Sex and the City

Sex and the City. The lasting impact this show has made on me and many other viewers is permanent. From fashion to female friendships to Sunday brunches. And not only did this genius series eradicate the absurd sexual double standard, it showed women that it's actually okay to speak about and even have sex! But personally, the most significant impact this show had on me was the way it made me feel about love.

I've heard it said many ways, many times. That you aren't supposed to love another unless you love yourself first. I mean how can we expect someone else to love us if we can't even love ourselves? All that makes sense. And say we do know and love ourselves. Still, what is real and true love supposed to feel like? Because although I've been in love, it doesn't change the fact that i'm writing these words alone, my heart unattached, still not really knowing.

The answer lies in one amazingly accurate quote Sarah Jessica Parker says suring the finale of Sex and the City:

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without-each-other love".

This one quote has pushed me to re-evaluate my stance on love and understand that this is what I desperately seek in my perfect relationship. I understand that there is no perfect relationship and no love comes without flaws, but I know the imperfections will come together to create one unique, perfect relationship. I know this love exists. I admit I have not seen too many of this love around, atleast not in the real world. But enough to believe that this love exists. And therefore, I will not settle. And that's why, when confronted with secure and comfortable love, I will choose unattachment, because my heart, mind and soul will feel empty discontentment.

And if it takes me a very long time to find this all-consuming love, aside from being terribly unfortunate, I will have to wait. Damn.

Angry

I'm going crazy. Absolutely insane. My health has not returned. In fact, it's been four days now since my body decided it would be absolutely hilarious to stop functioning altogether, things have only gone downhill..And as a girl, who's normally happily content to watch endless hours of television and movies, this neverending cold turned infection turned fever has me yearning to do anything but spend more hours sitting in front of my TV.

I hate anything that inhibits me from going about my daily routine. And that'[s exactly what being sick does. I'll be the first to admit that I love my bed more than most things in the universe, but being restricted to it without any choice in the matter really makes me mad. It's one thing if I want to spend my entire weekend, curled up in bed with my cd collections, in fact, given the choice this sounds like the most faboulus weekend i can imagine.But take that choice away, and all of a sudden, my weekend's ruined. Honestly, I'm pretty sure it's the unwanted bedrest is what that keeps me from getting any healthier.

Worst of all, I feel terribly alone.This is the time, I seem to be hating more than ever, that he is still not with me. Even more so than the times I want to throw sharp edged objects at annoyingly lovey-dovey couples..Maybe life would be easier that way if I knew him and we were together, by now.

Insomnia

In direct contradiction to the previous post... now, i'm an insomniac.

I haven't slept more than 4 hours ANY night this week and let's just say the lack of beauty sleep is starting to take it's toll on me; dark, under-eye circles and ashen skin! Gross, I know. But the question is, what do I do about it? How in the world does one go about overcoming insomnia?

Of course the more I worry about it, the worse it gets.

It's like this:

• 11:00 - Begin "Falling Asleep Process"
• 11:00 to 11:30 - Pretend to fall asleep but really watch Sex and the City
• 11:30 - Shut TV off and get serious about catching some zzz's
• 11:30 to midnight - Inadvertently daydream (it's very productive, actually. I've planned my entire wedding this way)
• Midnight to 12:30 - I worry
• 12:30 to 1:00 - I worry
• 1:00 to 1:30 - I...oh yes, worry

And just when I begin to accept the fact that sleep is something that might never happen for me, my worries become nightmares and my thoughts turn into fuzzy fragmented nonsense.

No wonder my first thought in the morning is always, "f*ck, it can't be a new day already!"

Forget about the effect my sleep deprivation is having on my health - I can't seem to string together intelligible sentences (make that ANY sentences) It's a wonder I could get through this post!