Drained

I feel drained - physically and emotionally. Helpless and drained. I find tears streaming down my face at random points of time during the day. I know I should talk about it... but I can't get myself to. When I think about it, all I can do is either scream or cry and they both don't do any good. After all, as I've finally come to understand, communicating in a raised voice with tears isn't a very effective method-it invalidates me, and negates everything I'm attempting to say. So, I say nothing.

What pains me is that I'm usually not this girl. I'm the girl who can pick herself up no matter what. I usually give myself credit that I am enough for me. I'm the girl who understands that people will come and go and that no love is unconditional, except maybe mom's. I have always relied on me and no one else. I know I have my quirks- in fact, many quirks. and faults too. And I know it'd take a big person to accept me for who I am and love me unconditionally. Actually, no, I don't believe in the no-matter-what sentiments.. But I do believe that once in a while, when we allow ourselves, it develops to the unconditional kind. And when it's the right person around the corner, I find myself capable of that. All my mistakes have only helped me gain much needed perspective and self awareness. It's also given me a clear understanding of what i want-need- in a mate.And he's the only one I've ever been with who I can actually see myself with and this overwhelms me; leaves me frozen with fear. Which is why I am very scared that I have now become the girl who will not know how to pick up the pieces of my life if we do fall apart this time.

I'm not sure when I became this girl. But I have let this affect a lot of different parts of my life. I feel drained all the time. The constant effort not to think about it. The constant effort not to be sad. The constant effort not to be angry. My head hurts. My heart hurts. I just want to hide.

Sticking it out

I've never been too much of a poem person, am quite about dense about poetry really. And it took the longest time for me to understand that. But after a point of time, when I found myself constantly popping over to Wikipedia to READ ABOUT THE BRIEF SUMMARY in order to figure out if I actually loved the poem, I finally got it that I was not really cut out to understand poetry.

For example, even upon reading Blake for the first time, I was attracted to the flow and the words but had absolutely no clue what the poem was about. It might as well been a collection of semi random words put together in a pleasing pattern. After I read the summary of the poem in Wikipedia, it all clicked... of course ( And yes.... I thought to myself how obvious it had been all along ). If I had my own way and were publishing a book of poetry, I know I would cut out the middle man and publish just the summaries with the poems side by side... :)

Having said that, there have been some that I have understood (and it wasn't just about the rhyme) and have gone through the phase of having them tacked up on my walls during the ages of 6-12, I think....Well, I found one such while I was clearing out some stuff earlier during the week and it just makes so much sense now, even without a set of cliff notes. (And I love the friend who wrote this out for me)

Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will
When the road you're traveling seems all up hill
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns
As everyone of us sometimes learns
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out
Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
-Unknown Author

I know I was enthralled by this poem back then and I still am.. and so, I choose to stick the fight out. (We won't get into the details here... )