Drained

I feel drained - physically and emotionally. Helpless and drained. I find tears streaming down my face at random points of time during the day. I know I should talk about it... but I can't get myself to. When I think about it, all I can do is either scream or cry and they both don't do any good. After all, as I've finally come to understand, communicating in a raised voice with tears isn't a very effective method-it invalidates me, and negates everything I'm attempting to say. So, I say nothing.

What pains me is that I'm usually not this girl. I'm the girl who can pick herself up no matter what. I usually give myself credit that I am enough for me. I'm the girl who understands that people will come and go and that no love is unconditional, except maybe mom's. I have always relied on me and no one else. I know I have my quirks- in fact, many quirks. and faults too. And I know it'd take a big person to accept me for who I am and love me unconditionally. Actually, no, I don't believe in the no-matter-what sentiments.. But I do believe that once in a while, when we allow ourselves, it develops to the unconditional kind. And when it's the right person around the corner, I find myself capable of that. All my mistakes have only helped me gain much needed perspective and self awareness. It's also given me a clear understanding of what i want-need- in a mate.And he's the only one I've ever been with who I can actually see myself with and this overwhelms me; leaves me frozen with fear. Which is why I am very scared that I have now become the girl who will not know how to pick up the pieces of my life if we do fall apart this time.

I'm not sure when I became this girl. But I have let this affect a lot of different parts of my life. I feel drained all the time. The constant effort not to think about it. The constant effort not to be sad. The constant effort not to be angry. My head hurts. My heart hurts. I just want to hide.