Choices

People say we should live every moment like it's our last.. live life to the fullest blah blah blah.. when in doubt, imagine that this is the last day of your life and then decide what you want to do... I think all of that is such bull shit.. Complete Nonsense.

In all probability what is going to happen is that you are NOT going to be hit by a bus, you are NOT going to suddenly succomb to an incurable ailment , you are NOT going to be murdered on your way back home, and neither are you going to tragically die in your sleep. What's probably going to happen is that you are going to live a bloody long life, And you are going to have to reap all the damn consequences of the decisions you made, the choices you made.

That is why every time I have the urge to do something incedibly stupid, that I know I'm not going to able to live with or that is definitely going to piss people around me off.. I make sure I think twice now. From simple to complicated.. like I don't know.. let's see ... if I want to sing at the top of my voice in public, jump off a cliff, or lure someone into a car chase, or kiss the guy who I've had a crush on forever............you know I'm not gonna.

Sometimes, I feel like making an actual decision is scarier than living with the decision's outcome. Which I think is quite strange. The choice itself should not be more terrifying than it's aftermath. But, alas, in my world it is. And living each day like it's your last is clearly not the answer I was looking for.

The good or bad part, I guess is that even after all the decisions and choices we die and make after analyzing and over analyzing, right to the extent of a being a neurotic wreck, life still chooses to be completely circumstantial.

"And the best thing you ever did for me, was to help me take my life less seriously. It's only life, afterall."
-Indigo Girls

Til later.

Forbidden

I always figure things have a way of working out for the best. It's three years now and things have made a decision, but not for the best. Very rarely in my life have there been people who are forbidden to me; people who I know exist, but I can't talk to. Because one conversation would inadvertently create too much. Unnecessary pain.

And because you can't physically speak to them, you converse with them in your dreams. It's as if your mind knows that certain encounters in real life are just too intense to handle and unhealthy for awake life, so they get played in your subconcious. If materialized in real , it would break the heart and destroy the spirit.

But unfortunately your internal core paints the picture so honest - so sincere..and while dozing away, your dreams reveal the profound, unfortunate truth...the one that is too scary to face in broad daylight... that the lights have gone out inside my world.

And thus the forbidden dialogue resurfaces everyday in my sleep.

Regrettably so, I might add.

In my head

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

-Hoobastank - The Reason