Summing up the last 15 months...

Lived with A (best house-mate ever!), M and I set up our own apartment, and moved, and set up again, we got engaged, reconstruction of house and grahpravesham, got married, spent a lot of family time and vacation time, and in between all this, there was a new job that I am still settling into and there was a newer job that M is also still getting used to...

With A, at the house...

Setting up our apartment... (M&I)
Engaged....
Grahpravesham...
And, married...

Living and planning

It's been a very, very busy few months. But, I've hated neglecting my blog space for so long. So, that's why this post. Amongst the ones keeping me busy are my bordering on happy personal life, setting up our own house (not own, own rented house), and the thrill of getting published. I've been published eight times now (and counting). And I regularly freelance now.

Here's the thing - I feel like I'm forever waiting for a future to fall into place, not knowing that without working towards it- the present could very well be the future too. I wish I knew how to let things go and just have faith in life's current. There are so many things I want to do, but I don't have control over everything. I realize that. And I panic that time is running out- time that could be put to much better use.

But it doesn't make sense to sit back and relax when I know that getting the things I want take planning and work. I do believe in the incredible power of thought and attraction, but I also know it takes more than concentrated contemplation to manifest something. It takes effort, organization, fulfillment of goals and thinking things through. And maybe I'm completely wrong, but when I'm laying back, simply flowing and letting things happen as they may, I'm not so much playing an active role in creating the life I want for myself. Am I?

I am jealous of friends who have it all figured out. My boyfriend, for example, has it all figured out. At least to a reasonable extent. I admire this, it's great that he has goals. He's extremely driven and hardworking. I am worried about my lack of clarity in determining, and thus making happen, my own goals. Here's the other thing- there are many things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. But they're all blurry and indiscriminate. As against goals that are focused and specific, mine are ambiguous, more metaphorical. They are fuzzy and smudgy, and not dark fine-pointed lines. And, as I'm finding, when your goals aren't specific or clear, you may end up not achieving them. I'm not sure where I belong, what my career options are and what paths I should get on.

Admission

So, yes... I haven't admitted it to myself yet. But I am in a happy relationship. I have been so careful to not say anything to anyone so as to not to jinx it.. So much that my best friend even thinks I shouldn't show pictures of us to anyone so as to evade any possible bad happenings. Nevertheless, I am ready to admit this on my blog now... in the written form for starters.

This relationship is difficult for me because it's so great, and so real. This sounds crazy, I know. But this time, unlike before, every thing's on the line. And it has all the potential of a happily ever after. I think one of the main things I'm happy about is that I know I have evolved over the years, with each good or bad experience. And I know what dynamics I want to create in our relationship, what behaviors of mine I want to uphold, as well as what I never want to endure or act like,again. We all know that a relationship doesn't become an all-encompassing-love from day one.You grow into it. And where we are is a pretty good place in itself and I would like to think that the path we are working towards seems like the right one.

While this is quite amazing and I do feel more in love than I've ever been in my entire life ( I actually erased, and re-wrote that last line a few times because I'm
still terrified to admit this for fear that I'll jinx myself and have love stolen away), I don't feel constantly elated. In contrast, I'm quite emotionally tortured. More so now because I have written this. Fingers crossed.

Growing up

I have a birthday coming up later this month. 26 now. Damn. 26 just reminds me more that I'm closer to 30 than 20.
Closer to 30. One more of the adult birthdays - no more is it just about the birthday cake and the balloons, it's about the birthday margaritas now. Well, maybe adult birthdays are going to turn out to be fun-er after all.

I have no plans this birthday. I want the day to quietly pass and I want to un-dignify it by doing nothing. Because if I as much as give it a little thought, I will realise that nothing much has changed in my life in the last one year when I made a whole lot of promises in my head. Well, no - not nothing, some has changed. But not enough. And I don't like that.

Please. Don't let it come. Don't. F*ck growing up. It's not just about getting older or the superficiality about it. I know I'm getting older-I know that. I know the grays will come. It means lines. It means a lot of things even the most expensive creams and supportive bras won't remedy. But that's not what this is about. What I hate most is how much a birthday changes everyone around you. I can count the people who really matter to me on one hand and it scares me that the older I get the more real is the possibilty of losing everyone I grew up with; I don't give this fear undue thought except rarely and I invariably break into heavy hiccupy tears. It's a constant fear, a devastating one at that. And I don't know how to deal with it. I always choose to deal with it later. I repress, I brush them aside and go with today. Think happy.

As I sit here wiping away tears, bitter tears that shouldn't even be falling- every time I wake up, every time I drive, every few minutes I allow myself to be on my own, every time someone asks me a question, Icurse myself for letting you get the better of me.

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought 'we' had it all figured out.

You are not him. As much as I want to believe you are, you're not. If you had been him, I know you would have understood. I know we would not be breaking each other. We are meant to build each other up, not break. I try, and I fail to hold my own and convince you I know what I'm doing; I'm smart; I've thought things through; I have a solid head on my shoulders; I'm capable; I'm worthy. If you had been him, you would not have needed me to make you feel whole. Because separately, we'd already be whole. If you had been him, we would have wanted the same things. Our joy and comfort together would far outweigh the moments of anger and unhappiness. You would not be taking out your insecurities on me. You would not make me feel helpless. You would not be helpless. Your words or rather the lack of them are crushing.

What gives you the right to make me feel this way?

I do. I give you the right to make me feel this way.

It was perfect, Or was it?

We had done the merry-go-round a number of times. It started again with a simple text message. But it brought laughter to both our eyes. And I cried when he called me back. We met later that evening. He held me close that entire evening. And I sat closer. And I knew we had come to a different place. We had come

Back to One

Back to New

Back to Us.

The Us that I'd waited for two long months or six long years... the 'Us' I'd waited to be a part of, to feel - we had come back to us. It felt like a new beginning. At the same time, it felt like we were going back to our beginning. Whatever it was, it didn't matter because it felt right. The past had finally been dealt with. We'd moved on. And I was so glad our move did not exclude each other. We still wanted each other. We talked about everything. There was one unanswered question but that didn't scare me much. It unnerved me - yes. But I figured that was that and we'll come to it eventually.

And over the months, my hold tightened. The Us that, up until those two hours spent , I refused to put faith or future dreams in; to open myself up and become wholly vulnerable to, suddenly became real. The Us I had for so long steadfastly protected myself, my heart, from.

It was another day when we strolled down the pier and listened intently only to each other, it was lovely, sure, but that evening we embarked upon an even more scenic voyage.

He grabbed my hand in his, slid each of his fingers delicately through mine and squeezed tightly.

He'd never done this before.

The evening was perfect- Neither of us noticed any warmth or chill.

I listened to every breath and it finally made sense.

As we walked away that evening, and back to our respective homes, I was filled with thoughts and feelings that now I'm certain I'll never live to see recognized. Jolted back to hurtful reality today, I can't help but wander.... Was it all just a dream?

"You'll Think of Me"

"You'll Think Of Me"
-Keith Urban

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself outside my arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday