Growing up

I have a birthday coming up later this month. 26 now. Damn. 26 just reminds me more that I'm closer to 30 than 20.
Closer to 30. One more of the adult birthdays - no more is it just about the birthday cake and the balloons, it's about the birthday margaritas now. Well, maybe adult birthdays are going to turn out to be fun-er after all.

I have no plans this birthday. I want the day to quietly pass and I want to un-dignify it by doing nothing. Because if I as much as give it a little thought, I will realise that nothing much has changed in my life in the last one year when I made a whole lot of promises in my head. Well, no - not nothing, some has changed. But not enough. And I don't like that.

Please. Don't let it come. Don't. F*ck growing up. It's not just about getting older or the superficiality about it. I know I'm getting older-I know that. I know the grays will come. It means lines. It means a lot of things even the most expensive creams and supportive bras won't remedy. But that's not what this is about. What I hate most is how much a birthday changes everyone around you. I can count the people who really matter to me on one hand and it scares me that the older I get the more real is the possibilty of losing everyone I grew up with; I don't give this fear undue thought except rarely and I invariably break into heavy hiccupy tears. It's a constant fear, a devastating one at that. And I don't know how to deal with it. I always choose to deal with it later. I repress, I brush them aside and go with today. Think happy.