As I sit here wiping away tears, bitter tears that shouldn't even be falling- every time I wake up, every time I drive, every few minutes I allow myself to be on my own, every time someone asks me a question, Icurse myself for letting you get the better of me.

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought 'we' had it all figured out.

You are not him. As much as I want to believe you are, you're not. If you had been him, I know you would have understood. I know we would not be breaking each other. We are meant to build each other up, not break. I try, and I fail to hold my own and convince you I know what I'm doing; I'm smart; I've thought things through; I have a solid head on my shoulders; I'm capable; I'm worthy. If you had been him, you would not have needed me to make you feel whole. Because separately, we'd already be whole. If you had been him, we would have wanted the same things. Our joy and comfort together would far outweigh the moments of anger and unhappiness. You would not be taking out your insecurities on me. You would not make me feel helpless. You would not be helpless. Your words or rather the lack of them are crushing.

What gives you the right to make me feel this way?

I do. I give you the right to make me feel this way.

It was perfect, Or was it?

We had done the merry-go-round a number of times. It started again with a simple text message. But it brought laughter to both our eyes. And I cried when he called me back. We met later that evening. He held me close that entire evening. And I sat closer. And I knew we had come to a different place. We had come

Back to One

Back to New

Back to Us.

The Us that I'd waited for two long months or six long years... the 'Us' I'd waited to be a part of, to feel - we had come back to us. It felt like a new beginning. At the same time, it felt like we were going back to our beginning. Whatever it was, it didn't matter because it felt right. The past had finally been dealt with. We'd moved on. And I was so glad our move did not exclude each other. We still wanted each other. We talked about everything. There was one unanswered question but that didn't scare me much. It unnerved me - yes. But I figured that was that and we'll come to it eventually.

And over the months, my hold tightened. The Us that, up until those two hours spent , I refused to put faith or future dreams in; to open myself up and become wholly vulnerable to, suddenly became real. The Us I had for so long steadfastly protected myself, my heart, from.

It was another day when we strolled down the pier and listened intently only to each other, it was lovely, sure, but that evening we embarked upon an even more scenic voyage.

He grabbed my hand in his, slid each of his fingers delicately through mine and squeezed tightly.

He'd never done this before.

The evening was perfect- Neither of us noticed any warmth or chill.

I listened to every breath and it finally made sense.

As we walked away that evening, and back to our respective homes, I was filled with thoughts and feelings that now I'm certain I'll never live to see recognized. Jolted back to hurtful reality today, I can't help but wander.... Was it all just a dream?