Attainable

The other day, I asked myself a series of questions. Some were meant to be answered, others merely thought about. But the one I can't seem to get out of my mind, and troubles me the most, is the following:

Why do I find myself more comfortable when I know the person is unattainable? Why am I afraid to completely let go of myself to another person in all honesty?

Because I fear the fantasy will be better than reality; because I'm terrified of the loss of control that's associated with giving away my heart; because the last time my heart broke, the aching was so bad, I didn't think I'd actually survive.

I never doubted that I'd be the last of my friends to marry. Not because I don't date, or because I'm hopelessly hopeless when it comes to love, but rather, because the notion of romance woos me more than any man ever could. Simply stated, I'm desperately in love with love; I’m smitten by the idea of candy hearts, valentines, heroes and all the good stuff. Clearly, this has to change. Real love, while partly packaged in pink bows, is also wrapped in reality; and life isn't just about sunshine and roses, and now I know, neither is partnership.

But my fear still stands. If I hold onto my heart, it's protected, yet safety has never felt so menacing. I have a need to control my life. And I am very afraid I won’t know how to live my life without him if I let him enter my life.

Risky as it might be, I suppose that it’s worth loving someone... attainable and letting myself go. As much as it scares me that the real life will destroy what I have imagined it would be like, I guess I also have to open up to the idea that it could be better, And even if it does not turn out to be all roses, atleast, it’s real. And that by itself is a good start.